I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
