I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
