Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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