I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
