The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
