my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
And then he peed in my hair
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