Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
