there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
