I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You made out with two different species that night
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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