you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
