OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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