Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
