Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
