I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
