i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
