I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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