They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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