She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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