We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
