I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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