p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
