she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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