i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
