So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
