I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
