i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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