just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
