how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
