Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
