shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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