Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
