dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
