I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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