Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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