I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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