i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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