the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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