The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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