hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
