i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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