My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
it's great music for shaving your balls
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I love you. Go after that dick
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
