I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
