Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
