I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
