I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
