so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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