hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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