my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Someone shattered a urinal.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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