Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
