I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
