I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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